There are seasons in life that feel carefree. Then there are others where I feel so weighted down.
I tend to be a person who carries loads that are not mine to carry, whether they belong to someone else or whether they are to be carried by my Savior. Either way, the weight of the world can rest on my shoulders and it makes me so very tired.
I have had a couple of sleepless nights. The kind where I can’t think of a specific worry, but find myself paging through a list of general worries that I can do nothing about (except lose sleep over). I pray, I try to release them, but often it’s hard for me to do. With each sleepless night, I face the following day with heavier shoulders. Today is one of those days.
Today is my youngest’s golden birthday. She is growing up quickly and every day I lose a bit of the “little girl” things–hand holding, cuddles, funny words and phrases. I want to celebrate her and cherish this moment! I’m doing my best, but my burdens feel extra heavy today.
We are in the midst of many changes, transitions, and unknowns. Both the hubby and I are wrapping up businesses that we have been running for many years. Our house is for sale and a big move is on the horizon. We are not in control of the timeline. We are not able to walk away from our obligations here yet. We are still in the phase of tying up lose ends and there is no firm date on when this phase will be done. We deliberate over every single decision we make for ourselves and our kids. How long will we be here? Do we commit to this? We have felt callings that seem to be done. We are feeling called to something new that is unknown. It’s scary, it’s exciting, it’s exhausting.
Feeling stretched in every direction, carefree is the last thing I have felt for awhile. We have felt called to this very place, this very moment, but as we sit in it, my faith begins to waver. I hear things that people say and start to claim them as my truth. “Maybe your house isn’t selling yet because God is closing a door on your move.” This isn’t what we’ve felt God saying to us and yet I’m starting to ask if it’s true. I dare not even speak the other things people have casually said that I have secretly wondered about as truth, though I really, truly believe deep down that they are not. Like Job’s friends, people around us often have good intentions but which are not true to God’s will in our lives.
Am I going through something harder than what others face? Absolutely not. I am thankful every day for life, for health, for stability, for a roof over my head and food on my table. I do not take these things for granted. I am not in the desperate situation that Job found himself in when he cried out to God, asking Him what the heck was going on. And yet, I wonder. I waver. I worry. Job’s words to the Lord reminded me of my place. Job 42:2:
I know that you can do all things; no purpose of yours can be thwarted. You asked, “Who is this that obscures my plan without knowledge?” Surely I spoke of things I did not understand, things too wonderful for me to know.
Today I am going to let myself sit still in this place of tiredness, both physical, mental, and spiritual. I want to rest fully in God and let Jesus carry the burdens that I am just too worn out to carry today. I want to embrace today and feel carefree in the place I am.