Prayer has been on my mind a lot lately.  Partly because our small group is reading Philip Yancey’s book called (simply), “Prayer.”  But also because prayer is such a big part of my life and yet it is such a confusing and sometimes frustrating thing.  There are days and weeks and months and seasons where prayer feels like I’m simply making a wish upon a star.  Praying feels no more powerful than hoping.

Don’t get me wrong–God has answered, in mighty ways, some of my prayers.  I have been blown away at the blessed details that God puts into His answers.  He has proven Himself to be Provider, Protector, and Lover of my Soul.  I’ve been thankful that many of the prayers I’ve lifted up have been answered with a “no.”  There have been times when prayer has been life-changing and earth-shattering to me.

But lately prayer, though still something I do in faith and in obedience, feels empty.  I feel like I am shouting, whispering, pleading, into space….into nothing.  My faith journey has included times, like now, where God seems quiet.  Distant.  I pray for what I consider to be some pretty big things: a friend’s addiction, friends and family members battling cancer, another friend waiting on pins and needles to bring home her adopted child.  I pray to what seems to be this quiet void and I secretly wonder if all these things will fall through and be unanswered because I’m praying under a glass ceiling.  Are my prayers just bouncing back and falling down all around me?

I don’t fear this silence particularly, but I do wish I could crack it.  Deep down, I don’t really doubt God or the fact that He is hearing my prayers.  I just don’t know how it all works.  I feel uncomfortable that prayer isn’t some equation that I just have to do correctly in order to get the right answer.  I know how very, very small I am compared to a magnificent God.  I think of God asking Job, “Where were you when I laid the earth’s foundation?” Who am I to question when God chooses to be silent? Who am I to ask why He is silent for a time?

I continue to seek quiet in my soul and in my life–perhaps all that is buzzing around me is drowning out that still, small voice that I am longing to hear.

And while life has slowed down and is at a much more tolerable pace for me, one thing that I have been lacking lately is quiet.  Rainy weather means we’re indoors a lot, the girls aren’t using up their abundance of energy so they’re not sleeping as much, and really, they’re just hyped up or at each other’s throats a lot.  It’s understandable.  It’s life.  It a few weeks out of summer.  I can deal.  But I admit that I can’t think straight.  I was not wired for a lot of noise.

I don’t know what it is about me–I can handle loud, rockin’ praise music or booming speakers when I’m driving around solo, but I can’t handle the clanging of pots and pans or loud conversations or worse–conversations and loud background noise (I constantly have to turn music down or off when I’m trying to have a conversation with someone).  Boisterous kids running around on hardwood floors and squealing and giggling should bring me great joy, but at some point it just starts to sound like fingernails on a chalkboard.

You can see that quiet has great meaning for me.  I’m able to function better, I’m calmer, I can think clearly.  A little quiet gives me strength to tolerate the noise pollution that my family sometimes emits.  (My 3-year-old and her friend giggling sweetly in the other room totally qualifies as quiet for me…..sigh…..cute little girls!)

Scripture talks a lot about quiet.  Psalm 23 says that the Good Shepherd leads us beside quiet waters (how that soothes my soul so much more than a roaring waterfall!).  We are also encouraged over and over again to speak wise and quiet words (Ecc 9:17).  1 Thessalonians, 1 Timothy, and 1 Peter all encourage us to lead quiet lives and to have gentle and quiet spirits.

I often think of “quiet” as an outward condition that I long for.  It’s a circumstance that I want.  I’ve learned that it’s not just something I value, but it is something that has value.  But more often I need to remember that “quiet” is also a condition of my soul.  I need to be led quietly by my Shepherd, I need to live a life that isn’t obnoxious or hurtful or full of strife.  Isaiah 32 says that “the fruit of righteousness will be peace; the effect of righteousness will be quietness and confidence forever.”  Quiet is also a fruit of righteousness.  It is not something I can obtain on my own, but only by the redemptive and transforming work of the one who leads me beside quiet waters.

Be still, oh my soul.

A crabby, emotional 5 year-old who won’t nap, tummy woes (as in, I can barely move…), a 3 year-old who is napping wonderfully (which will mean an abundance of energy in a few minutes when she wakes), AND the sun still isn’t shining.  AND there is no way I am going to be able to run in this condition tonight.  AND I had to pay nearly $400 for eye exams last week (how can a person afford to buy glasses or contacts after that?!) and $118 for a lousy prescription this week and that leaves me with not enough money to hire that personal chef I was hoping would magically appear today…..

Ok, I complained.  I think I feel better.  As long as I don’t move….don’t move…..

A friend who always made glib sarcastic remarks about me or my family or my kids has made me more aware and careful about how I joke around with my friends.   I catch myself–sometimes before I say it, sometimes after–joking around and then I have to apologize for being insensitive.  It makes a person feel like garbage when someone thoughtlessly makes fun of them.  Of course.  But I wouldn’t have realized the full impact that even a joking manner can have if I had not been hurt so many times by a friend’s careless words.

When we have been given a heavy dosing of guilt or have felt manipulated by someone close to us, both my husband and I pray in earnest that God would help us keep our promise to never do that to our loved ones.  Sometimes the best reaction to a situation is to determine how to avoid causing the same kind of hurt to someone else.

I got a phone call from a friend today who asked to borrow a table for her garage sale.  I cheerfully agreed she could come pick it up, but later felt an awful churning of realization. The only few times this friend has called me in the last YEAR (we used to talk almost weekly) was to take pictures of her family (for which she never paid me, as agreed) and then to find out if my daughter could go to her daughter’s birthday party (which resulted in my friend crying on the phone because no other little kids could make it, either), and then finally, for this table.  THREE times in the last year and always to her gain, not to credit our friendship or even just to check in.  I felt incredibly used and that alone feels uncomfortable and unsettling.  Watching the phone call unfold (and being aware of the recent history of this friendship) my hubby, in what is becoming our usual response, felt reminded of a buddy of his that he hasn’t made much of an effort to see in the last year or so. I, too, tried to consider relationships where I may be doing the same thing.  I don’t want to be that name on caller ID that warns a person: “She’s calling!  She wants something!”

On rainy days I mull over these things and ask God what it is that He wants to show me.  I try to sort through the irrational (“Am I the bad person in this situation?  Should I have been calling this friend more often and then I wouldn’t feel this way?  Did I do something?!”) and the ungodly (“What a bunch of jerks!  I’m SO gonna leave this relationship out to dry.  And maybe their world can fall apart in the meantime if they keep treating people this way!”).  I want to hear the quiet voice of God that reminds me of the grace that He has shown me–the kind of grace that I can show others only with His help. In the last day or two, I have been whispering this mantra in my head, “More grace.  More grace.  More grace.”  God’s mercies are new and abundant, not just for me, but are there for all to receive.  I need to be less discretionary in my giving of mercy because ultimately it’s not even mine to give.  It was already given by One much greater than me to one as undeserving as me.  Should I not give as I have been given?

A friend recently confessed to not loving quinoa (you know who you are!).  WHAT?! It is my new favorite and versatile food.  Here it is dished up as pilaf with green and red peppers and carrots (all sauteed in olive oil).  YUM.  My sister-in-law made a delish quinoa and spinach salad (I love that I can eat it cold or hot and LOVE it!!!!).  And I even bought Quinoa Flakes and have put them in peanut butter cookies.  Also DELISH.  The glutenfreegoddess has a list of some yummy quinoa recipes.  {Carla, if you put your recipe for that salad on your blog the next time you make it, I’ll be sure to link to it!  It was SO good!}

There are times that I am brutally honest with those closest to me.  I don’t always mean to be; I just think they must know my heart well enough to know how I intend my honesty.  Sometimes I am just a snot because I know I can get away with it—particularly with my husband and children. 

Ultimately, though, I know that the words that I may honestly and brutally throw around can really hurt.  They can sting.  They can tear down confidence.  They can manipulate or break trust. 

I don’t want to be that person.  In particular, I am guilty of this in my marriage and I am praying that God softens my heart and softens my words and gives me gentle ways to encourage and uplift my husband. 

With friends and family, I constantly have “foot in mouth” syndrome…late at night lying in bed wishing I hadn’t said something or wishing I hadn’t said it a certain way. 

My husband used to have a phrase he’d tell himself, “Keep your mouth shut!”  We were laughing the other night and wondering if we should try to take up this motto again.  So often we interject words or stories or opinions that are pointless or degrading or negative.  Scripture tells us in Ephesians 4:29: “Do not let any unwholesome talk come out of your mouths, but only what is helpful for building others up according to their needs, that it may benefit those who listen.”  When I am not building others up according to their needs, if I am not offering Godly encouragement or exhortation or correction, then let me invoke the motto, “Sarah, keep your mouth SHUT!”

This week I got a phone call from her dad (whom my husband and I know at least on a “friendly” basis–we’ve spent time with their family, but I wouldn’t really say that we’re “friends”).  He asked me how she was doing because he and his wife were worried about her at home.  She wasn’t talking AT ALL and they couldn’t get her to open up.  I told him my honest opinion–that I thought she was doing okay and just working through a couple of things. Later that night, I questioned her more and she admitted to me that she is doing far worse than she is letting on to anyone.  While I am not concerned about her immediate welfare at this point, I know that depression, especially untreated, can spiral out of control quickly.  I called her dad the next day to give him my changed opinion.  I then let her know later that day that I was not trying to betray any confidences, but that I was truly concerned about her and had called her dad.

So here is where I need help: she honestly seemed relieved that I had made the phone call, but has since said (it as been two days) that things are really awkward for her at home because her parents aren’t mentioning it to her.  In fact, she said they don’t seem to be going out of their way to even make sure she’s okay (of course, depression can alter our impressions, but the fact remains that they haven’t talked to  her about it).  My heart is breaking for her.  To me, one of the worst things about depression is isolation.  When I have struggled with feeling depressed in the past, I desperately wanted those closest to me to reach out and try to get me help.

Do I take any more steps?  I am becoming more worried each day that if no one reaches out to her, she’ll try something more dramatic to get their attention.  I may be over-reacting, but I’d rather err on the side of caution in this case.  Should I call her mom next?  Call the dad again?  Sheesh…can I take her to a counselor myself?!  Does anyone have a gut reaction on this or some experience?  Help!

Life has been heavy lately.  It hasn’t been all bad—I remember that God is good and faithful.  I remember that His ways are not my ways and His thoughts are not my thoughts (Isaiah 55:8). 

To be perfectly honest, the last 11 months have felt heavy.  It began when a good friend of ours, who was married with four very young children, drowned in an accident on an area lake.  It was tragic and it shook us to the core.  We were overcome with grief and the inability to be all that we wanted to be for our friend who had become a 27-year-old widow. 

God has been faithful through that tragedy.  Through the grief and the wondering, I’ve often just had to accept that I cannot see the full picture and I cannot understand God’s ways.  I had to read the Word over and over again and remind my heart that GOD IS GOOD. 

Through this last year I have struggled to balance the desire to be there for my friend and her four young children.  (Praise the Lord that her church family operated as the body of Christ in ways I have never seen….mowing her yard, providing meals twice a week for this whole time, babysitting on occasion.  They have selflessly been there as a body and as a family in ways that I truly admire.)  In these last couple of months, I have felt stretched beyond my limit—not by her, but by all of the other demands and expectations and relationships in my life in addition to my commitment to her and her children.  It all became too much.  And again I struggled, wondering how I was to do all of this and had to wonder if God knew that I wasn’t, well, God.  I had to trust that He had a plan.  And that HE is GOD and He is GOOD. 

God has been faithful once again.  He has brought someone new into her life.  A great guy that my husband and I have known and appreciated for several years.  Suddenly she feels joy again (Hallelujah!  No one could have imagined seeing joy on her face again when she lost her husband.  God IS good!).  Suddenly she has a helpmate again.  Suddenly I have to go weeks without a chance to even talk to her because her time is filled….okay, as much as I don’t love going weeks without spending quality time with her, I love that she has something good to fill her time. 

And through all the other tough things that we’ve watched in our community and family in the last couple of weeks, I have to remember that I will not always understand God’s ways.  I will not understand why He allows the things that He allows.  I will not understand why godly men are tragically taken from beautiful families, why strong and healthy men and women are attacked by cancer, why so, so many people hurt. 

In Isaiah 55, the Lord says that as the rain and snow come down from heaven and do not return to it without watering the earth, “so is my word that goes out from my mouth; It will not return to me empty, but will accomplish what I desire and achieve the purpose for which I sent it.”

I often cannot understand for God’s ways are higher than my own.  But He has promised that His will shall be accomplished. And so I trust.