So, about that quiet

My last blog post, from June, was about quiet.  And something about how I was needing it.  Anyone that ventures on to this little old blog got a whole lot of quiet from me, but that doesn’t mean that life was quiet for me.  Much has happened in these many months, probably more than I am ready to dig into now.  So today I’m starting by breaking my blogging silence.

Prayer has been on my mind a lot lately.  Partly because our small group is reading Philip Yancey’s book called (simply), “Prayer.”  But also because prayer is such a big part of my life and yet it is such a confusing and sometimes frustrating thing.  There are days and weeks and months and seasons where prayer feels like I’m simply making a wish upon a star.  Praying feels no more powerful than hoping.

Don’t get me wrong–God has answered, in mighty ways, some of my prayers.  I have been blown away at the blessed details that God puts into His answers.  He has proven Himself to be Provider, Protector, and Lover of my Soul.  I’ve been thankful that many of the prayers I’ve lifted up have been answered with a “no.”  There have been times when prayer has been life-changing and earth-shattering to me.

But lately prayer, though still something I do in faith and in obedience, feels empty.  I feel like I am shouting, whispering, pleading, into space….into nothing.  My faith journey has included times, like now, where God seems quiet.  Distant.  I pray for what I consider to be some pretty big things: a friend’s addiction, friends and family members battling cancer, another friend waiting on pins and needles to bring home her adopted child.  I pray to what seems to be this quiet void and I secretly wonder if all these things will fall through and be unanswered because I’m praying under a glass ceiling.  Are my prayers just bouncing back and falling down all around me?

I don’t fear this silence particularly, but I do wish I could crack it.  Deep down, I don’t really doubt God or the fact that He is hearing my prayers.  I just don’t know how it all works.  I feel uncomfortable that prayer isn’t some equation that I just have to do correctly in order to get the right answer.  I know how very, very small I am compared to a magnificent God.  I think of God asking Job, “Where were you when I laid the earth’s foundation?” Who am I to question when God chooses to be silent? Who am I to ask why He is silent for a time?

I continue to seek quiet in my soul and in my life–perhaps all that is buzzing around me is drowning out that still, small voice that I am longing to hear.

Quiet

Two playdates were arranged today for my two little girls–one here and one at a friend’s house.  So things are quiet.  And calm.  (I invited over a sweet mellow playmate for my youngest–I know what I’m doing!)

And while life has slowed down and is at a much more tolerable pace for me, one thing that I have been lacking lately is quiet.  Rainy weather means we’re indoors a lot, the girls aren’t using up their abundance of energy so they’re not sleeping as much, and really, they’re just hyped up or at each other’s throats a lot.  It’s understandable.  It’s life.  It a few weeks out of summer.  I can deal.  But I admit that I can’t think straight.  I was not wired for a lot of noise.

I don’t know what it is about me–I can handle loud, rockin’ praise music or booming speakers when I’m driving around solo, but I can’t handle the clanging of pots and pans or loud conversations or worse–conversations and loud background noise (I constantly have to turn music down or off when I’m trying to have a conversation with someone).  Boisterous kids running around on hardwood floors and squealing and giggling should bring me great joy, but at some point it just starts to sound like fingernails on a chalkboard.

You can see that quiet has great meaning for me.  I’m able to function better, I’m calmer, I can think clearly.  A little quiet gives me strength to tolerate the noise pollution that my family sometimes emits.  (My 3-year-old and her friend giggling sweetly in the other room totally qualifies as quiet for me…..sigh…..cute little girls!)

Scripture talks a lot about quiet.  Psalm 23 says that the Good Shepherd leads us beside quiet waters (how that soothes my soul so much more than a roaring waterfall!).  We are also encouraged over and over again to speak wise and quiet words (Ecc 9:17).  1 Thessalonians, 1 Timothy, and 1 Peter all encourage us to lead quiet lives and to have gentle and quiet spirits.

I often think of “quiet” as an outward condition that I long for.  It’s a circumstance that I want.  I’ve learned that it’s not just something I value, but it is something that has value.  But more often I need to remember that “quiet” is also a condition of my soul.  I need to be led quietly by my Shepherd, I need to live a life that isn’t obnoxious or hurtful or full of strife.  Isaiah 32 says that “the fruit of righteousness will be peace; the effect of righteousness will be quietness and confidence forever.”  Quiet is also a fruit of righteousness.  It is not something I can obtain on my own, but only by the redemptive and transforming work of the one who leads me beside quiet waters.

Be still, oh my soul.

Going Private

I’m considering switching my blog to a private setting where a person has to be “invited” in order to read the posts.  I’d certainly invite anyone that requests an invite……  does anyone have any initial thoughts on private blogs?  I know that I check private blogs a little less frequently than public blogs (because those can be added to my google reader), but are there any other downfalls to private settings?  Because I live in a small town and because I want to be honest and transparent, I do worry a bit that anyone could potentially find this blog and read my honesty and feel hurt.  I’d be interested in hearing any experience–good or bad–that could help me make this decision!  Thanks!

AND there’s no sun

This afternoon:

A crabby, emotional 5 year-old who won’t nap, tummy woes (as in, I can barely move…), a 3 year-old who is napping wonderfully (which will mean an abundance of energy in a few minutes when she wakes), AND the sun still isn’t shining.  AND there is no way I am going to be able to run in this condition tonight.  AND I had to pay nearly $400 for eye exams last week (how can a person afford to buy glasses or contacts after that?!) and $118 for a lousy prescription this week and that leaves me with not enough money to hire that personal chef I was hoping would magically appear today…..

Ok, I complained.  I think I feel better.  As long as I don’t move….don’t move…..

Difficult People & Rainy Days

During a recent “decompressing event” (definition: me letting out a bunch of stress by talking about the stressors over and over again to my patient husband), my husband told me that he thinks that sometimes God allows difficult people in our lives in order to teach us something.  Like how not to act.  Ha, ha….but seriously…..often the very thing about someone else that so tries me becomes “the way I don’t want to be.” Have you ever seen this in your own life with difficult people?

A friend who always made glib sarcastic remarks about me or my family or my kids has made me more aware and careful about how I joke around with my friends.   I catch myself–sometimes before I say it, sometimes after–joking around and then I have to apologize for being insensitive.  It makes a person feel like garbage when someone thoughtlessly makes fun of them.  Of course.  But I wouldn’t have realized the full impact that even a joking manner can have if I had not been hurt so many times by a friend’s careless words.

When we have been given a heavy dosing of guilt or have felt manipulated by someone close to us, both my husband and I pray in earnest that God would help us keep our promise to never do that to our loved ones.  Sometimes the best reaction to a situation is to determine how to avoid causing the same kind of hurt to someone else.

I got a phone call from a friend today who asked to borrow a table for her garage sale.  I cheerfully agreed she could come pick it up, but later felt an awful churning of realization. The only few times this friend has called me in the last YEAR (we used to talk almost weekly) was to take pictures of her family (for which she never paid me, as agreed) and then to find out if my daughter could go to her daughter’s birthday party (which resulted in my friend crying on the phone because no other little kids could make it, either), and then finally, for this table.  THREE times in the last year and always to her gain, not to credit our friendship or even just to check in.  I felt incredibly used and that alone feels uncomfortable and unsettling.  Watching the phone call unfold (and being aware of the recent history of this friendship) my hubby, in what is becoming our usual response, felt reminded of a buddy of his that he hasn’t made much of an effort to see in the last year or so. I, too, tried to consider relationships where I may be doing the same thing.  I don’t want to be that name on caller ID that warns a person: “She’s calling!  She wants something!”

On rainy days I mull over these things and ask God what it is that He wants to show me.  I try to sort through the irrational (“Am I the bad person in this situation?  Should I have been calling this friend more often and then I wouldn’t feel this way?  Did I do something?!”) and the ungodly (“What a bunch of jerks!  I’m SO gonna leave this relationship out to dry.  And maybe their world can fall apart in the meantime if they keep treating people this way!”).  I want to hear the quiet voice of God that reminds me of the grace that He has shown me–the kind of grace that I can show others only with His help. In the last day or two, I have been whispering this mantra in my head, “More grace.  More grace.  More grace.”  God’s mercies are new and abundant, not just for me, but are there for all to receive.  I need to be less discretionary in my giving of mercy because ultimately it’s not even mine to give.  It was already given by One much greater than me to one as undeserving as me.  Should I not give as I have been given?

Quinoa!

A friend recently confessed to not loving quinoa (you know who you are!).  WHAT?! It is my new favorite and versatile food.  Here it is dished up as pilaf with green and red peppers and carrots (all sauteed in olive oil).  YUM.  My sister-in-law made a delish quinoa and spinach salad (I love that I can eat it cold or hot and LOVE it!!!!).  And I even bought Quinoa Flakes and have put them in peanut butter cookies.  Also DELISH.  The glutenfreegoddess has a list of some yummy quinoa recipes.  {Carla, if you put your recipe for that salad on your blog the next time you make it, I’ll be sure to link to it!  It was SO good!}

Pictures, pictures!

I am SO, SO excited about my new camera!  I didn’t get a chance to use it until late last night when it was already dark and rainy.  But all the more proof of its power!  I posted some indoor comparison shots on my photo blog, but here is an outdoor one, taken late in the evening on the 7D.  I think the ISO was about 4000, which is incomprehensible to me.  My Canon 10D could only go up to 1600 and it looked junky around 400.  So far, I’m impressed with the Canon 7D!  I’ve got some photo shoots coming up that hopefully prove the value of this baby!